Your self-esteem is mostly determined by what you think others think about you. it is the lens through which we interpret our external world.
It also dictates the way we speak to ourselves. In turn, this determines the life-choices we make and the risks we decide to take.
Self-esteem comes from evaluating our strengths in comparison to others in different aspects of our lives : money, beauty, Success, Skills and abilities etc
Whilst a healthy amount of self-esteem can help you to succeed in this world, self-acceptance is the only thing that can bring you pure joy and contentment.
“Self-esteem is the quality of fuel you use, and self-acceptance is how you drive on that tank of fuel”
Self-acceptance is constant and timeless; unlike self-esteem, it doesn’t shift depending on what’s happening in your life. Truly accepting yourself means that, even if you lose your job, your spouse or your home – you’ll show yourself compassion. You won’t beat yourself up for being less employable, less lovable, or less wealthy than those around you.
Self-acceptance helps you control your emotions
A lack of self-acceptance can affect the part of your brain responsible for controlling your emotions. This can lead to mental imbalance and emotional outbursts as a result of elevated anxiety, stress, or anger.
Self-acceptance helps you forgive yourself
Learning to accept yourself helps you be less self-critical. It helps you create a more positive, compassionate, and balanced view of yourself.
Self-acceptance leads to self-compassion
According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion is more important for our mental and emotional well-being than self-esteem.
Self-acceptance helps you be yourself
When you lack self-acceptance, you’re constantly trying to hide, censor, or repress your true self. This can leave you feeling drained.
[With unconditional self-acceptance]… you always – yes, always – accept and respect yourself, your personhood, your being, whether or not you perform well and whether or not other people approve of you and your behaviours.
Albert Ellis
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
Carl Jung
“Entangled in the trance of unworthiness, we grow accustomed to caging ourselves in with self-judgment and anxiety, with restlessness and dissatisfaction.
We don’t have to wait until we are on our deathbed to realize what a waste of our precious lives it is to carry the belief that something is wrong with us.
Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.”
Tara Brach
“Radical self-acceptance is the truest form of self-love because it is not contingent upon our behaviours or feelings at a given time. It is always present, regardless of the various stressors life throws our way. It enables us to take important risks because we know our self-love will still be there if we fail.”
Heather S. Lonczak
How to accept yourself
Forgive yourself
Practice self-compassion
Use present moment awareness and mindfulness
Acknowledge and love your abilities
Ignore your inner critic
Connect with loved ones who appreciate you
Move on from disappointments
Gain perspective on your limitations
Sacred Text
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.
Song of Solomon 1:15
Those who are kind benefit themselves, but the cruel bring ruin on themselves.
2 Timothy 3:1-3
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13–14
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
Lao Tzu, philosopher
Story: A Man Named Bad [Self Acceptance]
Once upon a time there was a world famous teacher in Takkasila, in north-western India. He had 500 high class students who learned sacred teachings from him.
It just so happened that one of these high class students had been named 'Bad' by his parents. One day he thought, "When I am told, 'Come Bad', 'Go Bad', 'Do this Bad', it is not nice for me or others. It even sounds disgraceful and unlucky."
So he went to the teacher and asked him to give him a more pleasant name, one that would bring good fortune rather than bad. The teacher said, "Go my son, go wherever you like and find a more fortunate name. When you return, I will officially give you your new name."
The young man named Bad left the city, and traveled from village to village until he came to a big city. A man had just died and Bad asked what his name was. People said. "His name was Alive." "Alive also died?" asked Bad. The people answered, "Whether his name be Alive or whether it be Dead, in either case he must die. A name is merely a word used to recognize a person. Only a fool would not know this!" After hearing this, Bad no longer felt badly about his own name — but he didn't feel good about it either.
As he continued on his way into the city, a debt-slave girl was being beaten by her masters in the street. He asked, "Why is she being beaten?" He was told, "Because she is a slave until she pays a loan debt to her masters. She has come home from working, with no wages to pay as interest on her debt." "And what is her name?" he asked. "Her name is Rich." they said. "By her name she is Rich but she has no money even to pay interest?" asked Bad. They said, 'Whether her name be Rich or whether it be Poor, in either case she has no money. A name is merely a word used to recognize a person. Only a fool would not know this!" After hearing this, Bad became even less interested in changing his name.
After leaving the city, along the roadside he met a man who had lost his way. He asked him, "What is your name? " He replied, 'My name is Tourguide." "You mean to say that even a Tourguide has gotten lost?" asked Bad. Then the man said, "Whether my name be Tourguide or whether it be Tourist, in either case I have lost my way. A name is merely a word used to recognize a person. Only a fool would not know this!"
Now completely satisfied with his own name, Bad returned to his teacher.
The world famous teacher of Takkasila asked him, "How are you, my son? Have you found a good name?" He answered, "Sir, those named Alive and Dead both die, Rich and Poor may be penniless, Tourguide and Tourist can get lost. Now I know that a name is merely a word used to recognize a person. The name does not make things happen, only deeds do. So I'm satisfied with my name. There's no point in changing it."
The teacher summarized the lesson his pupil had learned this way — "By seeing Alive as dead, Rich as poor, Tourguide as lost, Bad has accepted himself.''
The different names we call ourselves that limit or enhance us
Science of Mind Reading
Poem: Before I by Insiya K. Patanwala
Before I became strong, I knew what it was like
To be weak,
How difficult it is to love yourself,
To find the wholeness that you seek.
Before I knew the light,
I have had my fair share of darkness, too,
Where my world fell into a hopelessness
And I didn't know how to get through.
For I have known the tears it takes,
The courage to stand up again,
When you are broken down and bruised
And you know nothing but the pain.
You forget to appreciate love,
If you haven't seen the hate,
Till you forget the meaning of smile and laughter,
And your heart is left abate.
I have known the strength and courage
It requires to get it right,
To face the things that hold you down
And hold your head up and fight.
Before I was who I am now,
I was someone I didn't want to be.
I was lost, battered, and defeated,
Before I knew how to be me!
Rumination
Close your eyes, fall in love, stay there.
Rumi
Benediction
Beloved, Mother Father God.
May I accept myself as I am today with all my flaws and shortcomings and practice self compassion and forgiveness .
May I stop looking outwards for validation and worth but look inwards and remember that I am your beloved child.
May I learn to love and accept myself unconditionally and remember that you already approve of me just as I am.
May I take time daily to acknowledge something positive about myself and give thanks for it.
May I always know that I am here to express all that you created me to be and that there’s no judgment as to what that should be or look like.
Song: The Truth about me by Joel Vaughan
What we believe about ourselves based on our upbringing still colours whether we accept ourselves or not.